Let's Slide

Originally Published: Aug 1, 2010 8:43 PM CDT

I am nothing if not a humble man. I never toot my own horn (except for when I played the trumpet in the junior high jazz band). The word "bragadocious" has no place in my vocabulary. But I must pat myself on the back for this...I AM THE WORLDS GREATEST WATERSLIDER!

Let it be written. Let it be said. If there is anyone out there who would like to challenge me on this claim....BRING IT! Three years ago at Disneys Blizzard Beach I broke the parks all-time speed record on the Summit Plummet by 4 MPH! The combination of my added weight yet nimble aerodynamics allows me to throw my athletically beefy body down any and all waterslides at a breakneck pace. People often applaud when I dismount. Park operators have been known to ask me to not ride anymore because they are afraid their slides cant hold my speed.

From White Water to Wet-n-Wild. From Typhoon Lagoon to the Schlitterbahn. You name the slide, Ive dominated it.

I have just returned from yet another watersliding conquest. I took my family to the Great Wolf Lodge in Grapevine, Texas last week where I once again left people amazed at my technique I call "hefty sleek." I conquered slide after slide with violent ease. Taking tubes so high on the walls it became too dangerous to continue.

And somewhere about halfway down the Coyote Cannon it dawned on me...I have a gift. Why am I wasting it on only the lucky few who get to witness my greatness in my Old Navy trunks and matching swim shirt?

Thats why I have decided....to become a luger. Thats right, I am taking my talents to the Olympic Games. If I am this electric in water, imagine how awesome Ill be on ice. This will become my new lifes goal. I was born to luge. When you think great American Winter Olympians...Brian Boitano...Apolo Anton Ohno...Toby Rowland.

Lets slide.