Oklahoma Airman's Blog: Mixed Feeling About Coming Home

Heather Bennett, News 9 Contributor
Oklahoma Airman Serving In Afghanistan

ENTRY #15:

Well it finally happened, I broke. I completely broke down last week. Everything finally caught up with me. I knew it would happen. It was just a matter of time, so I was prepared for it. What I wasn't ready for was how hard it all would hit me.

I know that sounds really bad, and some of you may be concerned for me, but in all honesty it needed to happen. You know when you smash your finger, and the pressure builds under the nail? The only relief is to stick something through it and drain the crap out by releasing all of the pressure. That's what I felt like. I needed to break, and I did. Because of that, I have seen my world in a whole new way this last week. Things I didn't know have come to light. Things that had left me in the dark, things I thought I would be weak about, I have overcome and true colors have shown through. Once again, my friendships back home, and those here in Afghanistan, have been undoubtedly put to the test. Only the best of the best have stood by my side. I can call those people a true friend.

Speaking of friends, I am so ready to be home and with them. I've said it before, and I'll say it again. They are my family away from family. I'm so excited for the many adventures we're about to partake in. But I'm also scared to death. I have been away for so long, and I know much has changed, not only with me or my friends, but with the dynamic of the group. For the length of this deployment up to last week, I was in a relationship. And with that ending, I am scared out of my mind to see our circle of friends. They had been there for me, but now one of my solid supporters is gone. I don't want to be angry, but I am. Not at anyone in particular. Just being here has made me like this.

The military is all I have known for 7 months now. It makes me mad that I'm here. I don't want to be here anymore, and it seems like one thing after another. From losing days off, to long hours, to getting attacked by the enemy, to hearing that we may have to stay longer, these things build this anger inside me, and the only thing that makes it OK, is that I know I'm not the only one with these feelings. By the time I get home, it will have been 8-plus months of nothing but the military, and that worries me. I'm sitting here writing this blog with headphones on, because at work I wear them, and it's comforting to me to have them on my ear. I do it out of habit now. That's the only control I have over anything here, and when I get home I'm going to lose that control of my life. In one sense, I'll have gained a lot of my control back, but really I'm scared that I'll lose all control. Drinking scares the heck out of me. I don't want to lose control, and I know with what I feel right now, things won't be fun for anyone if I drink.

With that said, I can reassure you that I know my true friends will be there for me, without me even asking them. With that knowledge, I know I can come home with little or no issues. It isn't only me that has been deployed, but my friends have had to go through it too. Thank you to my friends for always being there even when things got tough.

Please don't misunderstand; I'm super excited to come home. I have great friends, family and some good dogs waiting for me. I have new friendships to build, old ones to strengthen, and new people to meet. Sister and I are going build a bunk bed so we can do way more activities. So many concerts to go to, rivers to float, and all the tailgating action I can handle.

So along with being scared, I am super excited to be home. I'm no longer counting the days down to when I'll be home. I'll start again when I'm on the plane coming home. It's only a matter of time before the roller coaster ride ends and I get off the ride, only to jump right back in line again.